Most of us have a complicated relationship with feedback, a love-hate kind of relationship. We want to get better. We say we want honesty. But when the moment comes? It doesn’t always feel so hot.

We want to help others grow. We want to be the person who gives feedback in the moment, not six months later in a performance review that feels like a blindside. But when the moment comes? It can feel just…hard. And easy to avoid.

Most of us were never taught how to give or receive feedback in a way that builds trust instead of tension. That sparks action instead of defensiveness. That’s clear and kind, not vague and unhelpful. But if you care about getting better (as a teammate, a leader, or a human), then you need to get better at feedback — both giving it and asking for it. Because the best leaders don’t just give feedback. They invite it. That sends a clear message: 👉 Growth is normal. 👉 Improvement isn’t personal, it’s progress. 👉 We get better together. Feedback is about both celebrating the good stuff and calling out the tough stuff. The improvement side of feedback is more difficult, which is why we’re focusing there and giving you 10 real, actionable ways to level up this side of your feedback game.

Giving Better Feedback

1. Criticize the Action, Not the Person

When you criticize the person, it can lead to defensiveness and negativity, and it can feel like an assault on their character or personality. It may feel permanent, personal, and impossible to change, instead of something the person can work on or fix. It’s more productive to give criticism and a lot easier to accept it if it’s about the specific behavior.

🛑 Instead of saying: “You’re not proactive.”

✅ Try: “When the issue came up, you waited for direction. I’d love to see you flag these things earlier next time in a proactive way.”

🛑 Instead of saying: “You’re not a strong communicator.”

✅ Try: “When you didn’t share updates during the last sprint, the team ended up duplicating work. We need more communication with regular check-ins to keep everyone aligned.”

Call out the moment. Name the impact. Stay specific. You’re giving someone a chance to do better, not tearing them down, but giving them a way to rise.

2. This Was Good, Even Better If…

This tiny phrase can be a game-changer, especially when it becomes part of your team’s everyday language. ✅ “Your presentation was really clear and actionable, which was good. Even better if you add a real-life example to make it more relatable.” ✅ “The report covered all the key points, which was good. Even better if you include a short summary up top for people who skim.” When teams use this kind of language regularly — in project post-mortems, one-on-ones, or team huddles — feedback becomes expected, not dreaded. It’s not personal. It’s practical. It’s saying celebrate the good, but also have the mindset that we should always be growing. Bonus move: ask your team to give you “even better ifs.” Growth is contagious when it’s modeled.

3. Use “Feedforward” to Create Momentum

Coined by Marshall Goldsmith, feedforward is a concept that focuses on the future rather than dissecting the past.

🛑 Instead of: “Here’s what you did wrong in the presentation…”

✅ Say: “Here’s what you can try in your next one to really land the ending.”

Just by putting your feedback in the context of “next time…” it shifts the energy from criticism to coaching. It keeps people moving forward instead of dwelling on the past, which can’t be changed.

4. Set Your Intention First

When getting feedback, it’s easy to slip into automatic defense mode. But when you lead with the why, especially one rooted in belief and care, you lower resistance and open the door to growth. Try something like: ✅ “I’m giving you this feedback because I have high expectations — and I know you’re capable of meeting them.” That simple phrase, backed by research, makes feedback 40% more effective because it reframes critique as a sign of belief, not disappointment. It’s saying things like: ✅ “I want to offer some advice because I think you are already a seasoned enough speaker that you are ready to work on these things to take you to the next level.”

This kind of feedback feels good because it’s about potential.

5. Leave Space for a Response

Feedback shouldn’t be a monologue — it’s a conversation. Even if your intentions are good and your message is clear, your feedback might not be 100% accurate. You’re seeing one angle. They’re living the whole picture. And if the other person doesn’t get a chance to clarify, ask questions, or share context, the feedback can feel unfair — even disempowering. ✅ Try saying: “Does that land with you?”

“What’s your take on what I shared?” “How are you seeing it from your side?”

“Is there anything I’m missing?”

When someone can respond, it builds psychological safety. It says: “This isn’t a judgment — it’s a dialogue.” That softens defensiveness and makes the feedback more useful, and you may learn new things that change your perspective.

Getting Better Feedback

6. Advice Over Feedback

The word feedback can be a loaded one. It reminds us of annual reviews, micromanagers, and awkward performance convos.

Given we aren’t all great at giving the best feedback, it can lean vague, past-focused, and sugar-coated. When you ask for advice instead, you may gain more insight that helps you.

Advice is forward-looking. Actionable. Clear. It assumes you’re already doing your best and just looking for more tools.

It sounds like asking:

✅ “What advice would you give me to help me do better?”

✅ “What would you recommend I do differently?”

✅ “What advice do you have to make my presentation more engaging?

And bonus—people like being asked for advice. Feedback puts them in the role of a judge, which isn’t always desired. Advice puts them in the role of a trusted guide. It makes them feel respected and valued.

7. Ask After You’ve Reflected First

Before asking for feedback, offer your own self-assessment. This shows self-awareness and invites more honesty. Say: ✅ “I feel like I was too reactive in that meeting — did you notice that too?” ✅ “I fear my email might have come off a bit strong. What was your take?” ✅ “I think I did well overall on that project, but I have the feeling there is more I can do to add value. What would you suggest?” Now it’s a conversation, not a cold ask. When you reflect first, you make it safer to agree that improvement can be made. And you show that you’re already thinking about how to get better, which makes it easier for others to help you.

8. Ask Before the Moment Happens

Want better feedback? Ask before the project or meeting, not just after. Say: ✅ “I’d love your thoughts after this presentation, especially on how I handle the Q&A.” This primes people to pay attention more intently.

9. Separate the Signal from the Noise

Not all feedback is useful, and not all of it is about you. Some feedback is constructive and rooted in truth (that’s the signal). But some is influenced by emotion, misunderstanding, or the other person’s own issues (that’s the noise). So reflect, where is this feedback really coming from? Before you react, pause and ask: ✅ Is this about me? → Did I actually drop the ball, miss something, or act in a way that didn’t land well?

✅ Is this about the situation? → Were the expectations unclear, the timeline unrealistic, or the environment high-stress?

✅ Is this about their perspective? → Could this reflect their bias, personal style, or mood, not an objective truth?

This doesn’t mean dismissing feedback, it means understanding the context behind it before you take it as truth.

10. Get Curious Instead of Defensive

It’s tempting to jump in and explain, justify, or correct the other person. But when we get defensive, people are less likely to share, and we miss the gold in the feedback. Even if the feedback feels off or unfair, try leading with curiosity.

✅ Ask: “Can you tell me more about what made you feel that way?”

“What would better have looked like to you?”

“What did you need from me that I didn’t deliver?”

The goal isn’t to agree with every word but to understand the perception. Because in work (and life), perception is often the reality people act on. Be curious first, and then explain more second. When you stay curious, you signal emotional maturity and often uncover something useful.